vxxen's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- one last time Yesterday I saw Chris last night. On my way there I was so upset. I was sick to my stomach and I was shaking like a leaf. I called jen but I didn�t want to bother her cuz her roommates were sleeping. I called Nicole and she understood and tried to calm me but I didn�t want to bother her either. She told me to call her when I was home. I didn�t cuz I was upset and besides it was mad late. So on my way there I called my boy, Florian. He is so sweet and he�s in love with me, but he�s my boy. I like him like that but I got his back through thick and thin he�s my boy! :-D so he calmed me down. And I Chris so I was like ill call you back. He�s like good luck and don�t worry and all that nice stuff. I see his sexy, built ass walking towards me and all those butterflies and dragonflies all dissipated. He came across the street and walked past me (cuz he thinks he�s a big shot) I didn�t run to catch up with him, I don�t run after no boy. I took my time. So he�s over there spitting cuz he told me he don�t like swallowing spit and I shook my head and called him and idiot. All this time I�m texting my �potential� and he�s getting upset. He�s like is that your boyfriend, (he sounded so upset and hurt) I told him don�t worry about it. He got all mad and said it was just a question. I could tell it was jealousy so I changed the subject Lol so he�s talking bout this party he went to and I�m all happy for him (but I don�t let his white ass know it, well maybe just a lil bit) {thanks jen! } lol so I tell him something about the school I�m going to � Oh yeah! I tell him about my uniform and books and everything I�m gonna get and this prick says something very negative and I�m mad and say why cant you just say I�m happy for you Vxxn? Or I�m proud of you? He says it so sarcastically and grr makes me mad. But I know he�s a natural asshole. Grade A USDA approved lol lol lol (I�m funny) so anyway, we waiting for his brother to show up with the car so we can ride around and shit (the brother never shows cuz he�s a another USDA approved a-hole. I was teasing him and said that you got me under false pretenses he said why I said cuz all this time I thought we were going to have sex. He got all quiet and said that sex ends all relationships and I said no it doesn't. Not unless you let it. He says no, cuz in the beginning you�re having fun and hangin out and as soon as you have sex it all changes� I could tell he was talking about us a lil bit. Cuz I can read him. He didn�t want that shit to happen to me cuz he genuinely cares about me and that touched me. It made me happy. Cuz if he wanted and if he didn�t care about me, we would have slept together a long time ago. Cuz months ago I asked him if he wanted to get a room together and he kept dancing around it. Now I know why. Lol it must run in the family lol) so anyway, I lean over and I start to kiss his neck (well not kiss persay but I don�t want to go into details for all you queasy ppl out there lol) and I stop all of a sudden and he grabs me and tells me don�t stop cuz it�s turning him on. So I continue cuz I�m a Vxxn and I have certain power over guys (lol) that�s what being a VxXn is all about. ;-) So I stop again and this time he�s hard, and I touch him there and we�re kissing and then he wants me to go down on him. I said and no he got mad well not mad but a little hurt and upset. I couldn�t do it cuz I felt weird and shit. I felt that since is the last time that I was being used or something. Cuz I really do care and love him like that. So then I started tearing up and crying (now I don�t cry like a little girl. I don�t make crying noises and I don�t bawl. The tears just fall. They fall in silence. I don�t think he saw them cuz I had my fathers orange hoodie on and that shit is frickin HUGE! Lol the hood especially. So I put the hood on and I tell him that I think I better go home now. He walks away and says go. I think he was hurt but at the time I didn�t want to leave cuz it really would be the last time I saw him for a long while. So I walked over to him and I said something bout his brother� oh! I said you know your bro isn�t coming to get you, you know this, right? He said he knows. He told me to go home and that I shouldn�t have to wait with him cuz he�s going home too. I panicked. The warning bells rang in my head. To have him there a little while longer, I thought of something quick� After he gets it, he gets mean. I don�t know why. I got mad at him. He told me it was my turn and do I want it. I had to think about it. Cuz on the one hand I did. I was feigning for it. But I didn�t want him to know that. But on the other hand, I didn�t want it to be like that. With no feeling and everything cuz I know he doesn�t like doing it and I hate the way he makes me feel after. Like it was nothing to him, knowing it was everything to me. He asked me why do I do him so good. Why do I read all those books on it? I didn�t want to tell him. I really thought he would laugh at me. I made him pinky Swear not to laugh at me� �I pinky swear I wont laugh at you. Now why do you read up on things like that?� � � �So I can be a good lover.� �I wouldn�t have laughed at you for that. I would have laughed if you said you like to lick lollipops or something, but not that.� I was so happy! Lol you have no idea but I didn�t let him know it. Cuz if you let boys know that kind of things, they use it against you. And I will never let that shit happen again. � He does it so good. He really really does. I Had to go home after that. But I was upset. Cuz I won�t see him again for a loong while. I told him that you can�t keep popping up whenever you want to, to see me. You are messing up my cycle. I�m sorry for messing up your cycle but I had to see you. I miss you. He couldnt look me in the face when he said that. That touched my so much. Cuz I know how he is with his feeling. He doesn�t like to tell them, express them or let anybody know about them. So I did the next best thing. I turned his face around and kissed him, then moved to his neck� I walked home with Florian listening to every word I said. I told him what had happened (well not everything) and I told him about Chris. I told him that when we were walking our separate ways one final time he told me don�t miss me. I yelled back that I wont. You gonna miss me? He yelled back nope. We both knew we were lying. :- I thought about Chris one final time� Then Sleep. "AW! My poor VxXen! you're such a girl!" ~Mah UNiversity Girl 12:31 p.m. - September 22, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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