vxxen's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I want THIS entry to be the one that makes me remember the bad times.... I've been happy these last couple of days. i dont know why. well i kinda know why but... ok, its like this. Mac told me that hes gonna take me to a latin lounge or whatever. i invited Carlos too. i doubt he'll come but last time he says that maybe he'll come or he says he doesnt in the beginning he used to come, but now..ehhh not so sure about it. but the thing is he's only thinking about one thing and its not my charming personality. and the thing is, my resolve so weak. its not even funny. my good times/thoughts about us stick more than the bad times. and the bad times should out way the good times. i think its because i'm in love with the thought of being in love. and how can i fight something like that?This sucks major hairy balls. Now i can see how abused/battered women cant leave their abusers. now im ashamed of myself. i think i always was but now that im writing about it and thinking about it, its like ive been a fool. i wasnt physically abused (that can never happen cuz i woulda kicked his ass..then paid someone to kick his ass...and im not even counting my mother. oh, god. i think no scratch that. she would kill him) but anyway i cant believe that im sayin this out loud.... sometimes i was mentally abused. Whatever i liked it was made fun of or joked about and it made me feel bad sometimes. and after a while... i 'fought' back. why it took me so ling ill never know....but NOW i talk to him because i wnt to see him..??? FOR WHAT? i just asked myself that question and i honestly cant come up with an answer. i think its just the physical attraction i felt toward/with him. there was/is nothing that he can do for me. he didnt finish high school, he doesnt know english that well (to get a good education or a good job.), i dont think he has a social security or anything... nothing to make him a legal citizen. i know this cuz when i asked him, he would skate around the question or act like he didnt understand. which brings me to another point..would he think that marrying me would make his situation better? Wow, this is actually im not using my heart to actually think this through...so bear with me. he doesnt want to better himself. and even when i tried to help him, he wouldnt want it. which rings me to my mother. she told me that every time i tried to help him he would hate me for it. he would think that i was better than him or something. and my mother is always right about this kind of shit. it was always him or him and his needs. his wants. while my dumb-ass would not see it. not react to it. be stupid to it. he still lives home. with his step-mother, half-sister, and half-brother and father. he pays the rent split between the parents. he has no car. no nothing. i mean i dont have a car or that much responsibilities, but i try to make something of myself. i graduated HS (cuz of mom) i worked for a little bit then went to culinary school... i worked my ASS off when i graduated. i hustled. had alll of the shitty jobs (which taught me EVERYTHING that i know about working in the kitchen. i am thankful for that. even with all the blood sweat and tears to get it) everyday i try to better myself. .... damn. got tears all over the keyboard. :/ how could i love such evil? how could i not see it? how could i believe that evil does NOT exist? That evil takes many shapes and forms?? You know that saying, "It is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all???" That motherfucker was high. I would take the 'never loved at all' part any day. But...if i didnt go through the things that i went through with carlos... i wouldnt be the strong young lady that is standing before you today. The mistakes/traits that carlos has is the same traits in other guys that i stay away from. if i see a negative trait in a guy that carlos has/had...i run for the hills. some ppl say dont judge a book by its cover...but if its cover is worn and torn i make an exception. i just need to remember all of the bad things. and the reason(s) that i broke up with him. the reason why i cried...fought, was angered, was made a fool of. ..and the two mistakes that i to be carefully thought out...with mine and carlos's future in mind. I am not ashamed...but i'm not proud of it. but i stand by it. I hope this time will be the time i can not text carlos/text back carlos when he texts me..and to ignore the call when that rare times he calls. and i really wish that i could forget his number. but i know it by heart..... and i wish mine would stop breaking every time i think about him..... damn tears...foggin up my glasses 12:06 a.m. - February 26, 2009 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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