vxxen's Diaryland Diary

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Day 2

today is a little better.but i always sleep with his world yacht id. (a little sad yes i know buti dont care) when i thought of him i didnt feel me eyes welling up with tears. so i guess thats a start. lol the restarant calle dme today to offer me a job im gonna take it jsut so i can have something to do and shit it's a lot of fucken work and shit but eh anything to stop thinkin about him. and he said taht too he said your gonna get a job to keep your mind off of me...god i miss him. its the second day and im dong pretty well. ill do better when my mother gets here lol tomorrow
im listeing to a song called 'Lost Without You' By Robin Thicke guy is hot sounds like a black guy but he's hotttt lol im so silly. before he left he said he was gonna call but i dont think so.... so tomorrow i think im gonna stop carrying my phone around the house cuz i know him.lol boy doi know him. hmm when he gets back its gonna be hot butt-naked sex lol ( as patrick would so crazily put it lol) i find myself thinkin about him less and less now to a point where i dont even think about him
good thats what i wanted. but godforbid i break up with carlos, my heart couldnt take it. cuz i know taht other guys out ther are fucken assholes and i know what i got i just cant do anything stupid. cuz i love him. i dont know why i ant tell him that. i mean i did and i do sometimes but i remember the first time i told him that i loved him...

it was a cold night near 42nd st bus depot he was leaning on a fire hydrant that came out of the wall and he had his hands around me and i was leanin on him in the front. i said carlos, i have to tell you something. i had my glasses off and everything in my body was screaming for me to not tell him. but i just couldnt fight the feelin that i had to do it. i told him to close his eyes. that was our thing. that if we didnt want to say it but we knew we had to we told the other person to close their eyes. he closed his eyes. i took a deep breath and told him

i love you carlos.

he opened his eyes and broke my heart. he asked me Kamily are you sure? yes carlos im sure he gave me that look and i walked away from him. and he said hey hey and grabbed my hand. i couldnt look at him but he said kamily,look at me. i didnt i looked at his chin. he said kamily.... please look at me i closed my eyes and looked at him openin them up. he said along the lines of its too early and if im sure and then he thanked me lol the nigga thanked me i felt a little weird but i felt better not really but it coulda been worse. but now i cant imagine my life w/o him .....


the week of thanksgiving we went to queens to have sex and he said that he had something important to tell me. he said that it's not a bad thing and i could tell that he as anxious about it cuz he was gettin mean and we actually broke up the week before. im lying down on the bed he climbs on top of me and kisses me so sweetly i thought i might die. he told me to close my eyes. i did. he said kamily i want you to have my son. i slowly opened my eyes and my smile was so huge that i lifted my head and kissed him all over his face. he smile and laughed. i said yes i want to have your son but not now carlito. im sorry he said i know i kids would be SEXY! are kidding!? lol

i would love to have his son lol

he said when he gets enough money and a better job he's gonna try..oh boy my mother will kill me lol but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it lol god i love him

i cant wait for him to come back to me...

"A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows; Love can erase an awful past, Love can be yours, you'll see at last; To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die; You hope you've found that special rose, 'Cause you love and care for the one you chose."
-Rob Cella

10:38 p.m. - February 20, 2007

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