vxxen's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Almost. . . So. . . i almost bought the farm on Sunday. My mom was literally SCREAMING at me and kept coming back in the room to yell and scream then left then came back. all because i used instacart because i had a headache and didnt want to go to the store so i can meal prep my lunch for the week. then it goes into how i have no savings ( i dont *shrugs*) im shit with money ( i am) and that when she dies shes giving me none of her money ( i dont care about money why would i care about THAT?!) . when i tell you that all that yelling bought me back to high school when my mom used to yell and scream and hit me all the time cuz i wasnt good in school (i.e., not going, skipping classes, failing classes) it stopped me dead in my tracks. i was paralyzed with fear. so i ran to the bathroom to hide out. i was hysterically crying, couldnt breathe ( i cant even type this out at work without my eyes watering up) so, i wanted to kill myself. Cut myself until i was bleeding out and dead in the bathroom. i looked up which pills would be easier to overdose on and kill myself. i was 2 seconds away from doing it when i suddenly remembered that my thereapist said that if i ever was in trouble where i wasnted to harm myself, that i should not hesitate to call her. So, i texted her and she called me back. we were on the phone for 20 mins and 57 seconds. she talked me off the ledge and calmed me down where i could breathe again. and at the end, made me promise i wouldnt hurt myself. i promised her cuz i dont break promises with my therapist ( she legit is like family. we have this thing where i call her my aunt and im her niece. shes; been my therapist for 22 years) so, i got out the bathroom and went to my room, where my father was JUST finished painting my rooma dn hes standing by the window and opens his arms out to give me a hug and tells me that hes sorry that mom yelled at me like that. and i was just bawling AGAIN lol today's wednesday 11/24/2021 i havent spoken to my mother since sunday. i say hi when i walk in, tell her a little about my day, then i go take a shower and stay in my room watchin tiktok until it's 9pm and i have to take my sleeping medicine to go to sleep. i am dreading thanksgiving cuz i usually help her cook and shit. i dont want to. i dont even wanna be NEAR her. the only good thing is that shes leaving on sunday to go to atlantic city for a couple of days. i cant fucken wait. my will to actually exist is hanging on by a thread. Do you even know what it feels like to walk around on this earth and you dont laugh, dont talk, dont smile because you dont wanna be here anymore? I havent eaten dinner since sunday. i dont wanna eat. i barely get up for work. if it wasnt for my father who drives me to work, id be late all the time. thank God for my father. i love him to pieces. My mom is just.... there to me. i dont tell her that i love her anymore, i dont say goodbye when i leave the house....nothing. im over it. i feel like the walking dead. a zombie. roaming around in search of a peaceful, painless ending. God, this is terrible. The only thing keeping me going this week is that i get to see my sister. she moved down south to get trained to be an officer . to go from being together almost everyday for 33 years to over night...not. is a fucken BITCH! but i love my sister and i text her when i know shes free for chow and i call her after i get off work. i called her and texted her on sunday when i was low, she texted me and made me feel better. i love my sis. thank god for her. i made a promise a long time agao that i wouldnt kill myself and leave my sister on this earth by herself. that promise kept me going. . . until sunday. i didnt even care about leaving her on this earth by herself. Now i know how people can kill themselves and it seems selfish. all you see and feel is the pain.
VxXen 9:41 a.m. - November 24, 2021 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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