vxxen's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

jason and steve and school, oh my!

Maybe it's me and my lack of spironolactone and birth control medicine to help with my hormonal ass and my Polycyctic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) but I'm over thinking things again .and for NOo0o0o0o0 reason. we keep talking about having a life together and moving in and shit eventually . I'm going to school and he's still in modells. he actually just got a promotion but doesn't make enough money to live on his own. I kinda, sorta slept with Steve last week (I KNOW, I KNOW!) and I don't feel bad about it. which is bad in itself. I think it was my closure . I think about it but I don't regret it. I try not to go thru life regretting. the only thing n life that I regret is listening to my mother about the Environmental police department because she already paid for vacation and I don't wanna think or talk about it. I'm going to continue in school and keep it moving. I think I'm just unhappy. I'm unhappy at home. I cook and clean and do shit around the house and still get ragged and nagged on for no fucken reason. I walked in the house the other day with Wendy's and a medium soda (even though it looked like a large) and my mother was ragging on me and shit the WHOLE time I was eating like really? I don't wanna hear that shit. my stomach was in knots. about how just because Jason can eat the food he wants, and he's big, doesn't mean I can and I'm gonna get diabetes and can't drink soda and I never drink soda whats gotten into you. . .
. . .really?
I'm gonna be 33 years old in July. sit down somewhere. you're 65. YOU have diabetes. YOURE overweight. You sit in from of the tv when u come home from work anddont do shit. *I* cook and clean so everybody can relax and eat and shit and I don't say anything I just do it because what the fuck am *I* doing? oh, you know, shit load of chores and trying to fucken study so I can get out of the fuckn house. the only reprieve I have is with Jason. and he really is a sweet good guy, I just. . I don't know . on paper, were not very compatible. but he tries so hard and I love him for it. I think its my mood swings. but I can't talk to him about things that I like. he doesnt read comics, he doesnt watch tv. .
steve and. I had had full conversations on shit that was interesting to me. and I KNOW I'm not supposed to compare them but sometimes I can't help it. even though I know its wrong. but I really, love Jason. sometimes my overthinking is a gift and a curse. bc I can see tings happening before they fucken happen. also, I DONT wanna be stuck in a relationship like my fucken parents. I don't. ever. id rather be alone. so, I'm gonna continue the schooling and I'm going to do things for myself. once in my life, ill be selfish. and I won't even care. I put in applications for jobs at hotels that are union. maybe ill get a call back. I tried all the half of last year and I got bogus offers and bullshit. I hate Starbucks so fucken much I can't wait to bounce and fuck a two week notice a bitch is OUT!

11:47 p.m. - March 05, 2018

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next