vxxen's Diaryland Diary

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The most I've been at peace in hours lol

I went over to corrines house. She's leaving to Philly. Steve was supposed to be there. I get to her house and my anxiety is THRU the roof. And sometimes my anxiety is my body's way of saying, 'get the Fuck out'. So I did after about an hour or 2. But, I bought coffee and white mocha for Steve.
He gets there after I leave and now I'm like how come he didn't say THANK YOU?! Long story short, after I texted Corrine about it (which she was a little snippy but I let it go. One war at a time) she was defensive THEN the little fag (Steve) messages me and says, 'I don't mean to sound mean, but I know how you feel about me and want to be friends, but I can't. You need to move on with your life and forget about me'

That.

Pissed.

Me.

Off.

How DARE you talk to me like I was the one who was mean and callous towards you! I was SO livid, I couldn't breathe and started shaking. After about 3 hours and a text messaging conversation later from my homie Gregg, I felt better. And calm enough to write this:

I used to feel sympathy towards you. I felt bad for the young man that couldn't get things going his way, that couldn't find love in the one person he couldn't attain, that was always searching for something that could fulfill him. But how can an empty, black, cold abyss be fulfilled; show compassion? As I've gotten to know you, I've learned that telling me that 'your changing' and 'trying to be a good man' was all wishful thinking. You weren't trying to convince ME; but you were trying to convince yourself. Convince yourself that you could be a happy person, that could start a new reputation and have people not believe and doubt the old one. But, how can a callous man change? How can a weathered soul change? Your heart is a black abyss that devours anything resembling kindness, compassion and love towards you. You cringe from it; you recoil from the mere mention of kindness and love. I realize now that all of those arguments, all of those fights was my subconscious' way of fighting against your abyss. Struggling and fighting from being sucked inside your boundless, negative energy that would have sucked my kindness and love, that I carry for myself, straight from me. Your negative thoughts and energies bounced off my kindness, positivity and beauty that I see in the world, straight from my soul. And even it was blinded buy what I thought was love. My subconscious, my very BEING, is a fighter; a warrior that will NEVER be brought down to its knees from an malignant, incubus. You, as a unsympathetic parasite, prey upon women. Women who are kind-hearted and internally beautiful. And when you are satisfied by whatever ill-thought of reason, you unlatch yourself. Leaving the victim weak and self-doubting. But you, sir, did not unlatch yourself from a weakened victim, oh no. You have been unleashed from the spine from an unbreakable spirit and a powerful entity. And this time, it is YOU that is weakened. It is YOU that has to be re-energized. No doubt to be risen again from the ashes of your failures; from your failed attempts of weakening women. You need professional help for your repressed hatred for women For your inability to feel anything other than a cold, dank blackness that was once your heart. I pray that one day,whatever negative, cynical hold that you have over yourself, is released and that you experience happiness and a sense of euphoria that I and will always have until I pass away. I will continue on with my heart and soul intact and my hope for a happy future. I will continue to love and laugh and experience unprecedented joy, that I will experience with my future companion, confidant and lover. And hopefully you will find what you are looking for. Albeit, your next conquest or the ability to turn your cold, dark crevasse, that was once, I assume, your heart, into an empathic being. I pray you do.

Then, I deleted him and his WHOLE family and his friends. And I blocked him AND his brothers. I didn't want him to have the ability/chance to respond back. I wanted him to feel the same way I felt. I can be a well-spoken bitch when I wanna be LOL SO, I forgave myself for letting it go THIS far, and I am now looking toward the future with a 300lb gorilla OFF of my fucken back lmfao

9:35 a.m. - February 28, 2016

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